Life changes*

I decided that since I can now live a schedule-free life -- which is a really strange and basically uncomfortable feeling -- I'd try to let my sleep patterns become natural and whatever they would be in a world that didn't include a 9-5 job or a class schedule and homework due dates. My guess was that I'd start staying up really late and waking up even later, but that seemed okay and even sort of fun to me. Apparently, however, that is not my body's natural sleep cycle and I feel silly a little for ever thinking it would be. Instead, I get tired when it gets dark, wide-awake when it gets light. I've been waking up at 5. In principle, I totally object. In practice, I really like walking the dog at 6:30 instead of 8:30. The world is peaceful and beautiful and no one is out except the herons and the squirrels and the ducks.

Unconnected to the sleep schedule, I seem to be becoming curmudgeonly. I feel a little young for it, but yesterday I read a review of a song -- yes, a song review -- and felt a strong desire to tell the author what an idiot he was. Then I read comments to a blog post about self-publishing and was halfway through writing a response that pointed out the total lack of logic in one comment when I came back to myself and closed the comment box. Next I saw a book cover and had to restrain myself from writing the author to tell him what he needed to fix on it. That one was frustrating because the author used a good photo with terrible typography. If he paid a designer, he should get his money back. I think I have to shut off my connection to the internet and take more walks, because curmudgeonly is not like me.

In book changes, I'm going to make the price on Ghosts .99 for a week, from May 1 to May 7. It's an experiment, mostly to prove to myself that it's a bad price point. I'd have to sell ten times as many copies in the first week of May as I did in the first week of April to make it seem worthwhile and I don't think that'll happen. But the only way to know for sure is to try it.

*I wrote this post mostly because while I walked I was thinking about words that were both nouns and verbs. In the title, I'm not sure which 'changes' is. I like that in a word. 

Insanity

I may have gone insane. Well, technically, I suppose I already am. The whole agoraphobia thing probably qualifies me, not to mention the depression and anxiety. But no, this is a different kind of insanity, one that's not listed in the DSM.

Hmm, you know, insane is not really a diagnosis. I wonder which disorders actually qualify as insanity and which are just issues? I guess that I will never find out because I am now a graduate school drop-out. Mostly, making the decision and acting on it left me feeling relieved and happy. Then yesterday -- the first day of the rest of my life -- I felt much less happy as I realized that I either have to take writing seriously as an income-generator or get a job.

I said as much to R in the car and he pointed out that if I started taking writing seriously, it would probably stop being fun. I swear, he's unreasonably wise for a person so young.

So for right now, I'm going to just have fun writing for a while and start worrying about getting a job when the money that we were living on while I went to graduate school starts to run out. And meanwhile I can hope that the money from writing will stretch that time. Today I posted the first chapter of Thought that I've written in a month. And yeah, it was fun.

A Gift of Thought

Have I finished writing the book? No. Should I really do that? Yes. But meanwhile, here's my current winner on the cover.

I'll want to add a blurb, once I finish writing the book and someone says something meaningful about it, but I think this cover walks a fine balance between connecting the book with A Gift of Ghosts, using color to emphasize the lightness, but also making it clear that this book is rather more of a thriller. The image is actually Union Station in Washington which -- if you're reading along on fiction press -- you'll know is a location used in the story. But even without knowing that, the columns say DC and a lot of the book is set there. And I liked the skew of the columns -- it fits the fact that it's a weird little story!

Hmm, it occurs to me that I don't know how easy it is to find me on fiction press. I mean, it's easy for me. But easy for anyone else? Well, here's a link if you feel like reading a rough draft in slow-motion: A Gift of Thought. If you do read it, leaving me reviews honestly does motivate me to write faster. Yes, it's a terrible external locus of validation problem but part of the fun of writing is knowing that other people are having fun reading!

Once I finish writing, I'll take the story down, so if you're reading this post in May or so and the link doesn't work, that's why.

Cover note: a small border around the background photo is really essential to give it proper definition. Without the border, the photo sort of floats and looks unfinished. The border's not even noticeable except in its absence.

The weekend

Michelle's memorial service is this weekend. I've been really struggling this week to finally put the words down that I would want to share, to say what she meant to me and how important she was. Last night, I was reminded of Tyler's words at my mom's service in September. "She was the sun in our solar system." Sometimes simple works best.

Michelle is the only person I've ever known who I felt knew me, really, truly knew me, and loved me for all of me, not just parts. She was the person that I most trusted in the world because I knew she would never hurt me, not by choice, not casually, not accidentally.

Even the dog would like me to stop crying.

Grief yet again

My birthday is in two weeks. Last year, we went to Red Lobster for dinner. Rory impersonated a giraffe and everyone laughed and laughed. It was the first family meal after Dad's heart attack and I remember reminding myself to treasure the occasion, because we'd only have a few more years worth of them.

I think it was the last family dinner we ever had.

I want so much to talk to my mom today. So much. And I try to imagine it, but all I can picture is how annoyed she would be with me if she knew how hard I was crying.

Secrets

I'm not allowed to say this on Facebook or Twitter, but I sent the kid out shopping yesterday to get some new clothes. He bought himself a bright yellow shirt with a little purple lettering, skinny jeans that are a deep royal purple-blue at the top descending to a gorgeous violet at the bottom, and black Converse sneakers with purple threading. I told him he was a total hipster, he told me it was all quite comfortable. I am more than secretly delighted that my kid has the confidence and security at age 16 to pull off such a look. However, commenting on his clothes at FB--where his friends might see--is NOT allowed.

Changing my mind

I just "unpublished" A Gift of Ghosts on Smashwords and re-enrolled it into KDP Select. I suppose I should make sure that my sister (the only Nook owner I know) had a chance to get it first, but maybe I'll just make her an ePub version and email it to her. As far as I know, it was never actually available anywhere. It sat for ten days in Smashwords' Pending Review queue which gave me plenty of time to wonder whether it really made sense to distribute everywhere. "Everywhere," after all, would probably meet my original book-publishing expectations, ie a copy or two a week, for the privilege (?) of selling at B&N and Apple. Meanwhile, Amazon's free days were great for sales after each free day. Chances were that I'd make more money selling only through Amazon.

I'm not sure what made the decision for me in the end. Impatience? Maybe. But I think it was also reading a lot of Amazon-bashing. Scott Turow's article about Amazon being evil might have been the turning point for me. I don't think Amazon is evil. I think Amazon is a collection of really smart, hard-working, creative people with an amazing focus on making the experience of shopping great for consumers and that as a company, its goals match mine. Much more so than B&N or Apple. B&N, in particular, is doing an incredible job with the PR what with all the "ooh, woe is poor B&N, the tragic underdog" stories. But every time I read one, it irks me. The story was a whole lot different fifteen years ago when B&N was doing its best to destroy the independent bookstores.

Maybe I'll change my mind again. But at the moment, going with an ebook Amazon exclusive felt like a smart decision. I also, though, paid the $25 to get extended print distribution through CreateSpace, so any indie bookstore can buy actual paper copies anytime they want.

Ooh, and someone bought a paper copy from Amazon (which I just found out by trying to look up the specifics of extended distribution). I wish I knew who, so I could tell them that they own not just the first edition, but the very first book in the first edition!