Saying goodbye to 2010

2010 was a shitty year. There's just no way around it. It wasn't anything dramatic -- well, except for that miserable Alzheimer's diagnosis, which, come to think of it, was pretty dramatic. But just in general, it was a miserable year. I'm wanting better things for 2011, but so far...yeah, not so much. First two days of the year, and I'm kind of ready to give up on it already.

The one good thing--of both 2010 and 2011--is that I have rediscovered the joys of writing fiction. The stories I wrote this fall, largely spontaneous and pulled out of me at the speed of light (65,000 words of intricate plotlines and no character development whatsoever, woo-hoo) made my weeks, my months, my year. I know in a way it's denial -- I'm finding happiness in living in the world of my imagination because the world of my reality just sucks. But hey, that's what imagination is good for. And it's lovely to have it to fall back on in times like these.

If I don't manage to make up with R in the next twelve hours, I will go away for a four day business trip still thinking that he is just a jerk. Usually, I can wrap my head around what I've contributed to a situation, but this time, not so much. Maybe sometime soon. Or maybe I'm right and he's just a jerk.

Angel Puppy

I hope that Jack Johnson won't think this is copyright infringement. I definitely had no evil intent but every time I hear that song, it makes me think of this angel. Until I get to the last line about sharing souls, that is, and then I just think, no, how weird would that be, to share souls with my dog. Not that hers isn't a perfect soul, but if we shared it there would be too much thinking about squirrels and basketballs and naps.

It's black or white

I just realized--belatedly, I'm sure--that one of the reasons I'm having a complete nervous breakdown/midlife crisis is my sense that switching careers is an entirely global switch. In other words, if I follow this deviant path I'm on, trailing me off into an entirely new direction, everything from my past path is lost. So of course that's insanely anxiety-provoking. It's scary to give up everything. But also, it's probably impossible. And/or there's no reason to do so. At least not dramatically. I can make a much slower move, gently exploring a new career direction without letting go of everything I know from the old. Specifically, I guess, hanging on to the friends and the memories. If I become a counselor, it doesn't mean I can never go camping again. This, despite the fact that I haven't gone camping in years.

Laziness personified

My phone ran out of power so I looked for the charger. Ten minutes and all obvious places later, I realized that I had never unpacked from my trip to California ten days ago. Oops.

Bigger oops, this led to the realization that I haven't brushed my hair in ten days. Yeah. I really don't think anyone would notice--the joys of straight hair--but still, I can't help being a teeny bit impressed with my own sloth.

In further laziness news, I can only find my way back to my own blog via Google reader. It's like not being able to remember my own name. Well, or maybe not being able to remember my own phone number, which I admit sometimes happens.

If there's an easy path...

...it's the one I don't take. Seriously, why must I make life so hard? Back to the education thing. I can't stand having a kid in high school. The drive to get the A in order to get into college in order to have a nice middle class life violates everything I want to believe about what is valuable in the world, and yet is still probably fundamentally a truth. It just makes me want to quit everything. It's not that I think being mediocre is good. But living for the number that someone else assigns to your work curdles my soul. High school is heartbreaking, even once removed.

A really bad day

Today was a really really really bad day. It's already seven PM and I have barely left my bedroom after having a fight with R this morning in which I--I!--used the f-word and told him he was a loser. Woo-hoo, that's some really good parenting there.

I am angry at myself and discouraged and still angry at him, too. I even got annoyed at the dog when she was trying to be comforting: I wasn't ready to be comforted, I was angry. I did apologize to him--that only took me a couple of minutes--and even tried to have some sort of reasonable follow-up--which took an hour or so longer--but he wasn't ready for it. So I'm giving him space now and taking plenty of my own. But wow, what a...what an unexpected flare of truly deep anger. And the cause? Spanish homework. Well, that and his desire to quit the moment something gets tough. And the fact that he's willing to let a bad grade ruin his ability to enjoy something. I feel like I've wasted $40,000 and a tremendous to try to give him a different kind of education, and in the end, it's all wasted. It all just boils down to the number someone else gives you being the most important thing.

Primaries yesterday. Watching the Republicans go insane used to just be frustrating, but I think I'm starting to become actually afraid.

The most annoying thing about that is that I guess it means I have to start being an active Democrat again, despite finding them unbearably incompetent. But in a choice between incompetent and bat-shit-crazy...well, it just doesn't feel like much of a choice.

Get nothing done has got to be better than destroy the safety net, start WWIII, and run with an economic agenda that's focused on the supporting the greed of the few instead of the needs of the many. Maybe our system has just become so complex that it's impossible for anyone to remain competent within it. That doesn't say good things for our future.